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No one really prepares you with how to deal with grief, let alone when a best friend dies. I’ve found most people don’t really talk about death, which I find odd, given it’s the natural cycle of life and none of us are immortal. Still, I wonder if we were more emotionally agile at having conversations about death generally, if we’d be better at navigating grief, beyond awkward exchanges and empty placards like, “I’m sorry for your loss.” 

It’s been over three years now since Teneisha died, and that phrase still agitates me. I still struggle to talk about her in the past tense. I still haven't removed her number from my phone and probably never will. Anniversaries firmly etched into my mind are just another day for friends, who seem to quickly forget. There's an impatience when you experience grief and an expectation that you should have ‘gotten over it’ by now; there's an unspoken agreement that with, every passing birthday (where Teneisha would usually be sitting right next to me stealing food from my plate) or holiday like Christmas, it should be easier. It isn’t. 

Grief changes you. It's incredibly discombobulating and disarming. No one warns you about the horrendous, joyful, or hilarious moments you have, where your instinctive reflex is to pick up the phone, yearning to share whatever happened with them and then, like the weight of a cannonball in the pit of your stomach, you remember – they're gone. People don’t quite know what to say to you either. Usually more concerned with their discomfort at talking about death than supporting you. Aside from my husband, no one in my family asked me if I was OK, and until recently, most friends avoid mentioning her, almost as if I might spontaneously combust if they do. 

Grief is something so universal, a human experience that we all go through again and again. It's a natural response to any kind of loss, and it's not just their death that winds you. The secondary waves of grief, the birthdays you won’t get to celebrate, the memories that you were robbed of co-creating and their noticeable absence at Christmas and holiday gatherings.

For my first Christmas without Teneisha, I was on autopilot, busying myself and actively avoiding group gatherings. The festive season is particularly tough because Teneisha was born on New Year's Eve, so everything about this season is a reminder of both her brilliance and bright light – and her absence. It’s the little things you miss the most; the unremarkable WhatsApp chats about everything and nothing, her never-let-me-go hugs, the constant belly laughing and the way she scrunched her nose when she laughed. What I have learned is that it’s ok to miss people when they die. Grief takes as long as it takes. 

Grief is not linear or packaged in a neat, tidy bow; it’s entirely inconvenient. Sometimes, you’re minding your business, and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. So, I’ve found going with the flow and allowing myself to have tough days and not berating myself for not ‘having gotten over it yet’ help. 

Here are some more tactics to help navigate grief over the festive period: 

Be present

Grief forces us to be present with our thoughts, our feelings, and our bodies – to slow down. Don’t panic (easier said than done sometimes) when big overwhelming feelings arise; accept them, they are yours, and they will come and go. Breathing in for the count of three and breathing out for the count of five until I feel more settled can help.

Talk to and remember them

Over the festive period and beyond, intentionally create moments to talk to them, share about your favourite memory or what you’ve been getting up to, and that you love them. Include them in a table of remembrance with a favourite image of them in a frame and light a candle, so they are present.

Write to them

Last year, I was invited to write a love letter to a best friend. It was a chance for me to write and say all the things I wished I had said but never had the chance to and to share in our joyful memories. Putting pen to paper was very healing for me. Consider writing to them this festive season.

Find your people

Aside from talking to a therapist (which I recommend), a lot of healing can happen in your community, so connect with other people who knew them. Make time to gather and support one another, even if it’s just one other person. No one knows what you’re going through other than them.  

Say their name and share memories

Go with the flow with this one. Sometimes it’s just too painful to share memories; other times I find it so nourishing. My dear friend Yazzie recently said, “Grief sometimes needs to be heard – if you ever want to talk about her, please share with me I will always listen” And so I do – I share random memories unprompted, and she listens. Saying her name and sharing memories keep her alive, and it’s such a privilege to be able to share her essence with someone who didn’t know her.

If you’re supporting a friend who’s grieving 

Don’t try to fix things. Be consistent, check in with them, just be there and perhaps most importantly, ask them what they need and be ready to show up for them.

Celebrate

Celebrate the birthdays they never had, go to their favourite places, play that tune, do the things you both loved, gather with others who knew them and honour their memory together.

Hold on

On days that just feel too tough – where grief is so consuming it takes your breath away – stay in bed a little longer or take a day off. I believe that grief exists where love was – nothing and no one will fill that gap. And on reflection, neither would I want them to because they were and are irreplaceable. Hold on.

Nova Reid is a producer, thought leader, TED Speaker and writer. Her debut book The Good Ally published by HarperCollins is out in hardback and paperback now.

If you're struggling to cope, talk to your GP and reach out to charities such as Cruse Bereavement Care, the leading national charity for bereaved people in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

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